The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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