The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
