do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
