I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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