We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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