five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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