How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
