Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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