I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
