Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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