I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
