Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
