Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
