Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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