If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
