you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
