Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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