i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize