If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
