foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
