Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
