Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
