We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize