She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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