ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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