I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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