If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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