He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
