It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize