mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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