so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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