and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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