Someone shit on the floor
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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