I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize