i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
