Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
don't judge my taste in strippers
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
