I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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