he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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