My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize