He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Randomize
