that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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