listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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