forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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