I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
