i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
