i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
