i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
