you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
