I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize