True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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