saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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