Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
