Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
