I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
