i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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