i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
false alarm, still single
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
