FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
