I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
