I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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