i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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