i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
