I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You can't special order awesome
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Randomize
