i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
