I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
